Twelve and Legendary
That time we headed north on Love Street dotted
with hybrid houses and slumping trees, the concrete
branched toward us like the many armed Christmas tree
on Mr. Bill’s carport for my Birthday, your Birthday,
Halloween, and Independence Day. That day
we were independent, our Velcro wallets back-pocketed,
stuffed from dishwashing, grass cutting,
floor scrubbing all summer.
We’d been saving for
a place called “Hell Track,” where Jeremy
said the mounded grounds bred
the red-orange grit. Slopes constructed as if all the ants
in the world gathered to build, then left the ruins
for our scooters, bikes, the Big Wheels abandoned
by someone’s cousin. When we arrived
Garrett McCoy big as Hogan and wearing combat
boots guarded the tip of the trail,
demanding dollars to pass.
We threw our dares like darts and watched
the triple strike between the blades.
The victim risked more than pride on wheels,
backwards, sideways, roller coaster arms,
watching the wrong side of the world, like the time Katie Carpenter
and I ran away after bologna and cheese sandwiches
on her back porch card table, burning
until we reached the tracks where we balance-
beamed steel and hop scotched crossties until we
felt rocks rattle wood.
It was like that sometimes at Hell Track. I remember
Donnie LuAllen, pegged with the triple dog, skied
the “Dead Man’s Hill” on a garbage can lid. He zoomed down the curve before
the “Dead Man’s Hill” on a garbage can lid. He zoomed down the curve before
tin folded against the mound’s foot.
Donnie landed and rolled on a wobble
like a bottle cap. We ran to him, Donnie laid limp,
mouth wide as ours, closed shutter eyes,
white-faced. After several missed
inhales, Donnie’s shutters slowly lifted
with a long groan, he was a legend.
That day we understood what it would mean
to lose our breath, to never get it back,
like being underwater paddling towards a bottom
in Marianas Trench, with screaming lungs
losing more than air.
Wow! This rewrite really packs punch in the rearrangement and contractions of some of the catchier lines. I like the neater look of the stanzas, although on the blog it appears that one or two lines didn't break where they should have, or maybe not. You have really done a nice job in your rewrite. I particularly enjoy "watching the wrong side of the world," "hop scotched crossties" and "lungs losing more than air." Well done, Brandy!
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