Extra Credit Peer Response Week 5

Response to Larue’s Improv 1, Post 8, Week 12

 At Twenty-three
 

It was all so different from what she'd expected.
Only one wheezing Ford for the two of them.
At one time she was almost engaged.
First she tried teaching, then writing.
Now she just tries for a paper.
Not enough men attempt to satisfy her.
One man convinced her to tithe, but she did not sing.
Her family makes sure she doesn't starve.
When she thinks of the Middle East she draws a blank.
Her last lover, the drunk, always wanted her to cry.
Blue jeans and T-shirts, the only clothes that can keep up.
She can only grow a cactus.
Really she wanted to sing, or surf.
Her major, Mass Communications with
a minor in English, her native tongue.
Grades, drafts, and a box of rejections.
Sometimes her grandmother sends her apples.
Fake ballet in the living room, a cat and a dog,
crying for hours in front of the mirror.
She says, whatever happens I will keep my heart.
When she giggles she sounds like a child.

Really quickly, I'm going to agree with all of the comments and suggestions that were given but I also wanted to say that I too think that this is an amazing draft. Realizing that it was an improv, I would still like to suggest that the draft does away with some of the end-stops, they seem jarring and disconnect the piece. There is some really great material here to work with and I can definitely empathize with the speaker's busy schedule and time constraints. This line, "[n]ot enough men attempt to satisfy her" seemed awkward to me. Re-wording would easily fix this. Awesome, LaRue! Hope this helps to produce more drafts for your final portfolio. (: