Response to Pauline’s “Week #12 Improv #2”
The Silence of the Pond Fish at Feeding
as Moses in the desert.
they swim without strokes.
Some are Koi, some carp,
that their eyes aren’t tearful
Perhaps they’re heartless.[B3]
The water was gifted to them
and when they salute the sky,
Over the seasons
it seems to have become
a sign of disenchantment.[B6]
First off, forgive me for disheveling this draft this much. There are some many novel ideas here, that I simply could not help myself… besides, I’m sure that any ideas are welcome in this time of stress. (:
I wonder what might happen if you paired this idea with another, perhaps a person, a relationship, or another creature? Really great draft, Pauline!
[B1]This might work better later in the draft but I believe these particulars ideas are an awesome starting place. They definitely caught my interest. (:
[B2]Might there be another word to use here. Perhaps something really unexpected? Or consider a descriptor after “gold.” Who interesting might own an abundance of “gold”?
[B3]“as giraffes and just as clumsy without water.’ I don’t know I just want more here. (:
[B4]Lovely!
[B5]This seems out of place or under-developed, in my opinion.
[B6]This is a bit confusing to me. Since each “scale is precious” why does the speaker feel this “disenchantment?
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