Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Extra Credit Peer Response 2, Week 8


Response to Pauline’s “Week #12 Improv #2”

The Silence of the Pond Fish at Feeding

Their darting
is not in the least annoying.
They eat without giving me a thought[B1] 
and they are as hungry
as Moses in the desert. 
They owning the water like gold[B2] ,
they swim without strokes.
Some are Koi, some carp,
but every scale is so precious.
that their eyes aren’t tearful
even when they lose a friend.
Perhaps they’re heartless.[B3] 
The water was gifted to them
to swim in day and night
and when they salute the sky,
Over the seasons
it seems to have become

First off, forgive me for disheveling this draft this much.  There are some many novel ideas here, that I simply could not help myself… besides, I’m sure that any ideas are welcome in this time of stress. (:
I wonder what might happen if you paired this idea with another, perhaps a person, a relationship, or another creature?  Really great draft, Pauline!

 [B1]This might work better later in the draft but I believe these particulars ideas are an awesome starting place. They definitely caught my interest. (:
 [B2]Might there be another word to use here. Perhaps something really unexpected? Or consider a descriptor after “gold.” Who interesting might own an abundance of “gold”?
 [B3]“as giraffes and just as clumsy without water.’ I don’t know I just want more here. (:
 [B4]Lovely!
 [B5]This seems out of place or under-developed, in my opinion.
 [B6]This is a bit confusing to me. Since each “scale is precious” why does the speaker feel this “disenchantment?

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