Response to Sydney's Make-up For: Free Write, Week Seven
An Attempt at Saving Sam
Since you left, the pantry no
longer needs refilling, laundry
piles into pyramids, and my under-
wear changes as often as the sheets.[B1]
I sat robed in the blackness, tore
out my hair and used it to spell
your name, postered the mirrors
with our hometown obituaries,
even prayed over their bodies,
[B2] until remembering Preacher Don's
sermon about praying for
the living, cause the dead
can't be saved. So I struck
a match and watched the ink
run their deadness together in
the flames; keeping you stored
separate--in a makeshift
coffin--so no one turns the paper
corpse[B3] of you into mache or
protective wrapping or a wet-pad for
some untrained house[B4] pooch.
Since you left, the pantry no
longer needs refilling, laundry
piles into pyramids, and my under-
wear changes as often as the sheets.[B1]
I sat robed in the blackness, tore
out my hair and used it to spell
your name, postered the mirrors
with our hometown obituaries,
even prayed over their bodies,
[B2] until remembering Preacher Don's
sermon about praying for
the living, cause the dead
can't be saved. So I struck
a match and watched the ink
run their deadness together in
the flames; keeping you stored
separate--in a makeshift
coffin--so no one turns the paper
corpse[B3] of you into mache or
protective wrapping or a wet-pad for
some untrained house[B4] pooch.
[B1]Is there a way to condense this (e.i. “laundry pyramids”)?
[B2]I’m intrigued, why?
[B3]Because creative writers are often so nosy, I want to know more about what happened. :P I think that this piece is lovely but it certainly needs some expansion. While the idea of the speaker burning the other obituaries is interesting, I wonder how the draft might benefit from the incorporation of something more bizarre.
[B4]This isn’t really needed here.
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