Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Extra Credit Peer Response Week 10

Response to MacKenzie's Free Entry Week 12

A Man in the Attic

because you never lied. [B1] Not about the one-time
shoplift, the mouse in your brother’s bed. So you lied
about Jesus. One day left, then college, beer, boys,
like a hand on your neck, beads which have slipped
through your fingers, prayers. But you knew
him in the night like a moth
flicking its wings against the porchlight.
[B3] When you were born, she scrubbed
until her knuckles flaked to put bread
on your tongue. In church, she rubbed
her empty hands and felt the warmth of God.
When you lied, she believed, because she had forgotten
the marketplace of her body, her fruits
in their baskets spilling, her skin tangy
in the open air[B4] . She had forgotten
how to know the man in the attic, the way
her daughter knew a man[B5] , hot and metallic


 [B1]What about “your mother believed you because you never lied” in place of what’s already there? I’m not sure if it works better but “lie” and “lied” seem so close and which makes them seem somewhat redundant.

 [B2]She thought she knew you?

 [B3]Still love the image that this produces.

 [B4]Love, love, love!

 [B5]Him?

 [B6]Yes! 

Ha-ha! I think I found a way to use that cool trick you showed me on these blog posts too. (:

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