Thread suns
Thread suns
above the grey-black wilderness.
A tree-
high thought
tunes in to light’s pitch: there are
still songs to be sung on the other side
of mankind.
Paul Celan
Discovery Sun
Discovery sun
shooting your stare from land
to different space.
Erect, awake, and desiring,
a shuttle perspiring gas.
The ones unconscious as the dead
are still here and dying to die more.
Brandy Adams
Although I liked the line used in the previous improv, “a shuttle shitting gas,” I took the suggestions I received and I decided to try something different to make the draft more appealing to any audience.
Ok, I feel like all I really offer are strange observations, but do you intend this unnamed “shuttle” and “Discovery” to be in direct conversation? I only ask because “Discovery” was the name of one of the recently retired NASA shuttles, and I wasn’t sure if you wanted to head in such a nerdy direction. Of course, part of my reading the line that way is probably due to my own lame proclivities, but, either way, just thought I should bring it to your attention. Aside from that, I still don’t know how I feel about the title. Part of the problem might be some of the opaque phrasings in the piece itself, things like: “different space” (3) and “The ones unconscious as the dead” (6), which are interesting, but, even given the context of the work, I’m not sure what it is they’re alluding to. And if the sun is discovering these things, whatever they are, why does this unconscious horde come in at the end, anyway? To me, the original does most of its work in the direction of portraying the titular image—although it does offer an observation at the very end. I suppose, if anything, I would hold off on moves like that until you work out what it is, exactly, that you’re trying to illustrate.
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