Thread suns
Thread suns
above the grey-black wilderness.
A tree-
high thought
tunes in to light’s pitch: there are
still songs to be sung on the other side
of mankind.
Paul Celan
Dreaded Sun
Dreaded sun
shooting your stare from land
to different space.
Erect, awake, and desiring,
a shuttle shitting gas.
The ones unconscious as the dead
are still here and dying to die more.
Brandy Adams
Well, it seems you’ve chosen to riff off a slightly stranger work, which is oftentimes more difficult that the inverse, so congratulations on that front. As far as the draft’s concerned, especially when considered alongside its parent-piece, I’d first compare the titles. While “thread suns” isn’t a definitive portrayal, perhaps, I think I get what he’s driving at—something to do with the diffusion of sunlight through a deciduous canopy, yeah? Anyway, your draft’s title, “Dreaded Sun,” just comes off as too expected, as too familiar. What else might the sun signify as or, to borrow the methodology from Celan’s piece, what kind of strange image can you convey in two nouns? Also, and I can’t decide if it should stay or go, but the 5th line: “a shuttle shitting gas,” I like it—I’m a sucker for crass humor, but, more than that, I’m fairly positive the sun’s never been described in quite that way before. I will say, however, that the reaction garnered by such a line—I chuckled, is something you’ll want to be conscious of. In other words, do you want this piece to resonate as humorous/possible offensive? Just something to consider…
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