Beach
By Sophia De Mello Breyner
The pines moan when the wind passes
The sun beats on the earth and the stones burn.
Fantastic sea gods stroll at the edge of the world
Crusted with salt and brilliant fishes.
Sudden wild birds hurled
Against the light into the sky like stones
Mount and die vertically
Their bodies taken by space.
The waves butt as if to smash the light
Their brows ornate with columns.
And an ancient nostalgia of being a mast
Sways in the pines.
Shoreline
By Brandy Adams
The starch white sunlight blinds me momentarily
As I apply shades to my delicate eyes.
Children in bright pink bathing suits
Waddle in the insignificant granules that cling to every surface.
Seagulls cry as they swoop from cliff tops
To devour the remains of our picnic lunches.
Scattered rations linger upon the sinking surface
Slowly disappear into the caving void.
The sound of the beaten waves remind me
Of a faceless Atlanta highway.
And the very memory of lost days begin to
Ascend in the blinding light.
Ok, things that struck me from the outset: First of all, some really glaring polysyllabics in here: words like “momentarily” (1), which is also an adverb, hence twice as scary, “insignificant” (4), which is applied to “granules,” and begs the question: is there such a thing as significant granules? Secondly, some fairly arch stuff here and there. For instance, voids cannot cave—for one the term “cave” instantly brings voids, or negative space, to mind and second that voids are always caving somewhere…if that makes sense. All I’m saying is that language like that tends to flatten the thing out, the draft loses its charge in these spots because the cognitive energy normally demanded by a poem is evacuated through cliché. When language feels too commonplace an audience member will zone out and skip over, none of which works for this piece. Really, I think the issue with this draft arises at its inception. The original work, De Mello Breyner’s “Beach,” attempts to quickly portray a huge scene, and does an admirable job. My concern is that when trying to do similar work one might easily become overwhelmed with such lofty expectations. One idea might be to look at a similar poem that goes about things a bit differently, in the always helpful direction of multiple perspectives. Honestly, within the first two lines of De Mello Breyner’s piece, I couldn’t help but think of Plath’s “Suicide off Egg Rock.”
ReplyDeleteTim has some good points in his critique. I want to suggest some ideas you might not have considered. First, "momentarily" changes the meter from de Mello Breyner's work right from the start--"now" would solve that problem and simultaneously place the speaker/reader in the moment. You could try substituting words on the remaining lines to match the meter of the original and you may discover something you want to expand upon. As for "caving void," something more tactile might sound better, i.e. 'concave swells' or 'swirling crests'.
ReplyDeleteProblematic for me is the correlation between "sound" and "faceless," for one is aural and the other visual. Also, you could change "delicate" to 'sensitive' for additional alliteration if you wanted to, but if you're going to match meter you might need a different word there.
I think "the memory of lost days" is nice and might work better at the beginning or even as a title. You have captured the scene at the beach nicely. The syntax just needs some tweaking. Good job!