Monday, September 26, 2011

Free Entry Week 5

A Child Named Dave

Dave didn’t leave blue-eyed from
bruised bodied blood.

He was not beaten not probed not scavenged
like trash thrown out to be weathered, not starving  
and buried by mounds of mad destruction.
Not worm-stitched, protruded bellied, infectious
from bacterial bitches whose red-rashed eyes
spread over the green of the backyard grass
searching for her next bid of boasts and beggary.

He harbored the sky amongst the wet 
cotton clouds of his wide-eyed stare.

It was Piñata’s, donkey tailing, gifts, and
storytelling, night kisses, and packed lunches,
morning hugs and love-you-bunches.
He had warm baths, laundered clothes,
a blanketed bed, and musical notes
sang by his parents every night
until he was 11. 

And Dave, did not, leave home
until he found his direction.     

                            Brandy Adams 

Dr. Davidson asked that we write about a scene that we wished had occurred in something that we've encountered. I decided to write about Dave Pelzer's story.  This needs much more but because of time constraints this is what I have for now.  I hope to work on this more later in the week.  Comments/suggestions are greatly appreciated.  

4 comments:

  1. Alright, I’ll come right out and say that I have no idea who Dave Pelzer is, which, I think, is the best critical lens with which to approach this draft…at first glance, I’m not entirely certain of what’s going on. I understand that Dave’s a young boy, and, at least according to what you have here, nothing noteworthy happened to him? Given your comments at the end, and the tone of the opening stanza—more specifically, what it seeks to negate—I’m guessing something fairly horrible actually occurred? These are all guesses and, really, the fact that I’m reaching so much only further illustrates my point. Who is this kid? What actually happened? I get your driving at Dr. Davidson’s idea of reworking a scene or well-known story, but he was proposing the exercise with epics in mind…not to denigrate whoever this person might be, but there’s no way the details behind this piece resonate as loudly as something like The Odyssey. Just give a little more detail, cement the narrative in an actual time and place, and let the reader in a bit more. All I got.

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  2. Ha-ha! Point taken, since I am in the English majors domain. I knew better than to try and slip something like that in. Yes, Davidson suggested that we write about an “Epic,” however, I have not read too many of those in their entirety. Sad, I know. In Psychology most would readily know of Dave Pelzer or in the very least his work. These suggestions are always helpful and I don’t want to come off as a fowl thing, I just found humor in the circumstance. The draft does need work (especially expansion and always narrative) so when time shows itself, I will certainly put these suggestions to work.

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  3. I also don't know who Dave Pelzer is, but I searched his name on Google and found that he was a survivor of childhood abuse who is now a self-help author. That small bit of research coupled with your explanation at the end was enough for me to understand that this was what you wished for Dave rather than the unfortunate childhood he had. I think, regardless of what he had in mind, this works as a piece that we all wish was accurate. That said, there are still errors from a technical standpoint. For example, piñatas shouldn't have an apostrophe.I like the alliteration of "bruised bodied blood," but I'm not sure it makes sense. I think you could use some commas between the "not______" sections, and I'm a little confused as to why you used "her" in the last line of the second stanza. But the basis of the piece is good. I agree with Tim that you could bring in some more detail, but overall good work.

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  4. Thank you Casey. You're absolutely right about the misplaced apostrophe, it does not need to be there. I was debating on using proper punctuation in the first line of the second stanza but I was trying something new for effect. I wanted it to seem more like a rant? The her that I was referring to is not clear but it was making mention to the mother/abuser. I will try to re-work this draft, with all of the suggestions in mind, and post it (hopefully) sometime next week.

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