Death, the Last Visit
I must make my way to the exact spot
where my own life began, to give life again.
Although I knew the dangers I would have to face while on my path,
I still stared the grizzly beast directly in his eyes
and flew up stream.
I waited for the rain, though not alone;
others met their last day in the sun.
Now, I await my destiny in the place of my birth,
and as I watch the orange globes float
above me, I consider the chances of them taking flight
when I exhaustedly take the last breath given.
I really like this draft from a previous class but I feel it may be too mysterious. I was aiming for mystery, however, if it's impossible to decipher, then please post some suggestions. Thanks guys!
First thought: The title, considering the proposed subject, is too dry. For the sake of for instance, why not “Death’s Last Visit,” or, really, and I say this without having read the draft yet, something that doesn’t utilize “Death” at all. First of all, “Death,” in general, is a dicey focus—for, I’m hoping, obvious reasons. Secondly, within the confines of a title and/or capitals—titles, of course, necessitate the capital, “Death” becomes superlative, which only exacerbates the previous point, vague as it is—I can always clarify if necessary…I just try to stem the wordiness that I seem predisposed to.
ReplyDeleteOk, more important things: the opening line actually reminds me of a turn in a Lux poem, “Burned Forests and Horses’ Bones.” Unfortunately, I no longer have a copy of Cradle Place, and I can’t find the complete poem online…but, if for some reason you’re interested/unable to find it through other avenues, I can get it to you soon-ish. I know I’m going to garble the line, but the idea is, and this is actually a kind of Luxian trope, but it’s near the end of the piece, and it amounts to something like “we crossed over to where the fire began”…with a sentiment amounting to “to figure out just what the hell happened/begin life anew.” What I’m aiming at, I think, with even bringing this up, is the you rush into a similar idea, while his piece takes something in the neighborhood of 30 lines to get there, which is definitely not the only way to do it, but consider a bit of leavening, in terms of approach—ease the prospective reader in a bit, maybe. Or, the other option, hit them in the gut w/ something startling—the opening you have now rests somewhere in the middle, and I think a future draft might benefit from exploring something slightly more extreme, in either direction.
Last thing: I appreciate your eye to “mystery,” but consider too that art—if that is what any of us can pretend to approach—is communicative. This is not to say that you should necessarily intend some didactic communiqué, but the draft, as it is now, depends too heavily on vague phrasings. For instance, what path? What “grizzly beast”—a clichéd construction, by the way? And do not bother with flying anything upstream unless it’s anthrax, or Barry White, or anything but an extension of existential meanderings. The draft deserves more than that. Essentially, expansion, most definitely, with an eye toward specifics, and watch out for the easy/flat phrasings.